16th September

Everything is black, everything is black.

7th September

When you’re young a summer holiday feels like eternity. Now the days, weeks and months past so quickly I can’t believe I’m half way through my degree already. I feel like I only just started. I don’t want to graduate yet. Time is precious and I’m kicking myself spending 30 hours at a job I hate. How do people even work 9-5 at jobs they don’t like? I’m trying to live a life where I don’t get everything handed to me with a silver spoon. I’m trying to take care of my own expenses. I’ve always wanted to grow up faster and to live faster than everybody else. The truth is I’m scared of being left behind. 

3rd September

I’m scared.

I have been president for something like a month, and today for the first time, I felt like I truly regretted that decision. I was not born to lead, I was not born to do anything that requires responsibility and mental endurance. Today I feel helpless and frankly, quite fucking sad.

Anyone in the same position as me may understand that the glory that comes with the sound of the position is nothing like the reality of the job.
The reality is that you can’t please everyone, the reality is that sometimes you just have to do the bad work, the reality is that sometimes no one will see the effort you put in. But that’s not even just the tip of the ice berg. Every day people call me “president” but I have never felt more small and insignificant in my life.

Right now I am debating between quitting or going into a deep sleep and waking up a year later. I’m probably overreacting, I hate myself for being weak, for letting small shit like this affect me but the truth is I am like the emotionally weakest person that I know. I don’t cry, but I dwell upon things for what feels like eternity.

There is a song called the truth about reality. It is one of my favourite songs. I think today I realised one of the truths about reality. The reality is that I’m here and it’s lonely. My friends think I have no time for them anymore, the truth is I have never been surrounded by so many people in my life, but felt more alone. 

1st September

All I ever do now is hang out with committee members and when I’m not, I’m working or rushing an assignment. I feel like I’ve spoken more Chinese this year than I have for the entire year and it really sucks because I’m terrible at it. I really am. People tell me I’m pretty good for an Australian but I can tell they’re just lying. I can’t communicate well and I have to dumb down my thoughts, ideas and don’t even get me started on jokes.. they just don’t happen anymore. I don’t have any days off anymore, I took one day off last week when I got so sick I lost my voice and I felt like death but it was legit the best day I’ve had all month. I spent 24 hours in bed. God, I honestly miss hanging out with my friends, but every time I get a couple of hours to do so I feel like I just end up complaining about my current position and have nothing else interesting to talk about. I’m not saying I don’t like my club but I feel such a cultural gap between them sometimes, both the language and just interests sometimes. I don’t know how to get close with them when I can’t understand like 30% of what they’re saying. All I’ve done as president is have the best English in the club.. I can’t bring anything else to the table. I don’t even know if I can do a good job anymore seeing as I am like the most anti-social person on the planet. Like I get nervous when making phone calls. I made 8 straight phone calls at work today by the way. I start sweating even thinking about them. But here I am ranting again. I want to hang out with my friends like old times, without having to cancel or leave to attend to meetings. I hate meetings. I’m going to start getting anxious thinking about talking in front of people I don’t know again. I miss eating at shitty little restaurants and talking about weird crap. I miss my friends that just get me when I say something stupid. I just fucking miss my friends. 

24th August

"What is your ideal type?"
I hate dumb boys. I only like people with direction, who work hard and know what they’re doing. I would never be attracted to someone who shows off or is cocky. I like someone that has similar interests and can make me laugh, who takes care of themselves and the people around them. If they’re filial I don’t care if they’re not social or stay at home on Friday nights reading or some shit. Things like looks and money don’t matter to me, I know everyone says that but they really don’t. I want my SO to be my best friend but I don’t want to do everything together. I would never make someone wait for me or take them for granted. I’ll do everything by myself. I don’t like people paying for me or buying me things. I hate couple crap, I don’t like romantic things and anniversaries aren’t really my thing. Wow the more I type the more I think I should just be single.

The answer to “what is your ideal type?”

It’s me.

just wanted to stop by and tell you that you've become someone who I admire. you always try to look at things at a positive light and when you write posts of your achievements and/or how you've become a better person makes me want to try and achieve what i want in life (its going to take a while but hey we've all been there) i wish you continuous future success and hope you've been well

@Anonymous

Wow. Thank you.
That was one of the nicest things that someone has ever said to me. 
I hope great things happen to you too, and if I know you in real life, I hope you talk to me soon so I can buy you ice cream.

Bless your kind soul.

21st August

I landed a position I had thought I could never achieve, something I had spent countless hours day dreaming about. It isn’t much but through pure luck and some really amazing friends I have now a new home and a family of committee members. But treading the fine line between work and friendship is difficult and keeping everyone happy is nearly impossible. I find myself coming home later than the last bus every night, holding countless meetings and interacting with people I would have never had the chance to talk to. How do I keep everybody happy? How can I be stern without being mean? How do I maximise our profits and improve our performance? How do I continue the legacy whilst adding my own flair? Right now, I have lost my voice and I can’t speak, but my head is full of thoughts and I want to write this down. I made a promise and I’ll stand by everything I said. Life has never been so challenging but I am happy. I want to remember this moment now. 

7th August

Dear Friends,

This evening I saw my friend for the last time before they go back to Hong Kong forever. When we were saying our farewells she started crying. No one has ever cried whilst saying bye to me before. If I ever write a drama about my life this will definitely be one of the scenes. (I was thinking maybe to couple it with a sad ballad by Baek Ji Young.)

Anyway, today I learned 3 important things. One, there IS such thing as a bad dessert, two, I am ridiculously good at Big Two and three, genuine friendships are hard to find. When you’re a quarter through your life you’d think genuine friends would be easier to find or something. Well they’re not. At least for me. So I am glad for the few people in my life that are always supportive and honest with me. One of my friends once told me, you know you actually love someone when you’d take a bullet for them. That’s pretty extreme since I heard bullets hurt and may also cause life long physical damages but hell, I’d take a few for you guys. 

I don’t say it often and I know everything I say always comes out as sarcastic but you guys know how stupidly deep I go on here and this is one of those times. Thanks guys for always putting up with my shit, for listening to my rants and stupid thoughts, for maybe reading my Tumblr posts and not leaving me, for not judging my music tastes and celebrity crushes and lastly, also most importantly, for knowing how much I stalk people but not reporting me to the police and moving to another country.

Love you guys,

P. HENTAI

omfg I’m laughing so hard

My mum knocks on my door and is all whispering and is like “what do I do your sister is getting bullied” and I’m like what do you mean

and she shows me her Facebook newsfeed and one of my sister’s best friends commented on her wall “u ignore all my msgs u stupid bitch”

Makes me feel so bad if my mum knew what me and my friends call each other we would be arrested or something.

3rd August

I am so tired and angry with this world and I can’t even go to sleep because I have to do an assignment for someone which gets me to this point on why do I always feel like I am bending over backwards to help people? Awhile ago my friend and I were talking about how we always feel like we’re considerate and aware of people’s feelings around us but why can’t other people do the same? Sometimes it seems really unfair.

Customer service is really important in retail jobs but I feel like whenever I don’t speak Chinese to Chinese customers they’re okay but if they find out I can, I just end up being stepped on and they’re just super demanding and rude to me. This has happened so many times and it makes me so angry. I conversed with you in your native language to help you, to let you understand things better so shit is less foreign, but then you just end up demanding more things from me and treating me like how they do in Asia.

It’s like when you lend your friend a shoulder to cry on one time and they start to come to you every time they have problems. That’s okay but they only ever come to you when they want to vent, and have no consideration to your life or your feelings.

Why does it seem like every time I try to be kind to people, they just get used to it?

Okay this post is so stupid. Just like how I feel after writing it. Bye.

Scumbag unfollows me

@Anonymous

yeah sorry i don’t follow any of my friends anymore hahahahahahahahaha

1st August - This Is Your Captain Speaking

Everything’s going to be okay.

26th July, 2014

omg I said I would never go to another kpop concert… next minute going to B1A4 …. laters dignity, bye self respect

This legit happened

Omg I forgot to write about this but when I had my Chinese exam a few weeks ago I thought my seat number was 1997 so I made my way to that spot and as I was putting my stuff on the table and about to sit down this rude chick comes up to me and says

"um excuse me I think I’m seat number 1997"

and I was like “I think I’m 1997 though?”

and she’s like “well I checked okay I’m 1997”

and I’m like “?? but I am pretty sure I’m here”

and she’s like “I’ll show you on my phone okay I’m this spot”

and she whips out her phone and then she freezes and she’s like

"LOL JK I’m seat 1977 k bye!!!!" and she just walks away

WORD FOR WORD SHE ACTUALLY SAID “LOL JAY KAY”

WTF?!??!!

CAUTION RAGE CAUTION DANGER CAUTION

I met this international girl in my Chinese class and one time during class I kindly helped her explain an essay topic and just corrected a bit of the grammar and spelling. Ever since then, she ALWAYS asks me for help EVERY SINGLE TIME she has an essay. Which is like once a week or once a fortnight. Not only that, she actually asks me to explain topics and correct her 2,000+ word essays. She messages me with her essays asking to check stuff for her and just last week she told me she got two fines for public transport and asks me what to do and how to write a letter.

Alright, even though I know I am a loser with no social life I still am busy ok. I don’t even have my own freaking life sorted why do I still have to have time to help you look at stuff every day now. Especially since you have NEVER helped me with anything before. That time we were in a group for the Chinese oral you fucking threw me and the other girl into the deep end 3 hours before our oral presentation and said “hey let’s just do it separately”. Every single week you’d get me to mark your name off for 2 classes and when I wasn’t going to class, you asked me to ask my friend that you didn’t even know to mark you off. You message me every single day for help and when I don’t reply within a few hours you send me fucking questions marks. Ugh then you tell me to go on Wechat and talk to you. Hello? I am not your slave, I told you I stopped using Wechat, if you want help from me you don’t tell me to use your messaging app. What the fuck? And then you call me in the middle of the night and tell me on Facebook to pick up my phone because you need help with your fine. Like bitch please, we’re not even friends? Who do you think you are?

Not only that but you received two fines. One was because you didn’t touch on even though you knew you had to, then you were caught. Then a week later you got another fine for not touching on, then when the officers were noting down your address you gave them a fake number and address. Then they caught you. You got a really big fine on top of that. Then you ask me to write you a letter so they’ll excuse you? Hello? Who do you think I am? The queen’s daughter? You fucking broke the law twice in the same month, then you lie to the officer? Who do you in god’s name think I am? You fucked up, I’m not writing you a letter and if I do it’ll go something like this. “I’m sorry I am such a dickwit I’ll pay the fine in full so please forgive me for being a lying” 

I don’t understand, you come in to class with freaking Chanel glasses and Givenchy bags. I don’t think you can’t afford to top up a freaking Myki card. Jesus Christ.

And your essays. I understand that you’re an international student and that you might not have good English. Fine, that’s fair, you can ask me for help with explaining stuff. But you can’t ask me to check your 2,000+ essays every week. I have a life, I have exams to study for. You paid thousands dollars for a reason, utilise the fucking university services. You live in the freaking city, you have time to go to the gym and to go out and party, I’m sure you have time to go to the university and ask for help.

Lastly, I’m not your friend, so it’s rude for you to ask so much of me. You’ve never talked to me or messaged me about stuff that wasn’t “help me” related. If you want services from me then pay me. I’m not your slave and I am not going to be continued to be “used” by you.

I’M OUT.