This past month has been so hard, I won’t lie, I’ve been hiding myself behind a massive wall of self-defeat and forging a fine line between myself and the people around me, making sure that they don’t cross the border. The thing is, many times a day I still feel that there is no real connection between myself and the people in my committee. And the more I think about these feelings the more I isolate and gravitate away from them.
This month, I started a new internship, making myself busier than ever before. In hindsight, picking up a second part time job as well as the internship may not have been such a good idea. Working 9-5 four times a week and 10-6 on the weekends leaves a full day of uni and club meetings on the remaining day was probably not the smartest choice, but I feel like even though I’m hanging by a thread, I’m still hanging. I haven’t fallen yet.
The truth is there are many people in my club that I cannot see eye to eye with, and I won’t lie, I wouldn’t call them friends outside the club, to be honest, I would probably hate them in real life. This really bothered me. It bothered me because I didn’t see why I had to work with people who always see things their way, who would cut me and other people off while we were talking or who generally just thought their opinions were the best. But I realised that the real world is like that, there are always going to people that you wish you could punch in the face and that you might really punch in the face one day. For now, I’m working on becoming a better person, the bigger person.
Yesterday, I had a meeting with the executives in our club. It was tense and honestly really uncomfortable. We were talking about the club as a whole, what the association means to us and a lot of other things. Someone said that I didn’t need to care about the club, I just needed to get things done and that I should stop putting so much emotion in the things I do because personal feelings will get in the way. In rage I said fine, if that’s how things needed to be done then I would do them that way. But I couldn’t, and as soon as I said those words I took them back. I said that this association wasn’t about earning money, it wasn’t even about always being successful. This club was and still is about the culture of Taiwan. Taiwan is a small country and politically it has no power against China. I know a lot of people question my authenticity, “are you even Taiwanese?” I know my Chinese isn’t perfect and I cannot speak even a word of Taiwanese, but I have never thought of myself as anything else. I am and always will be Taiwanese, born and bred. No matter how many years I spend in Australia or where I was born, my heart is Taiwanese and I would do anything to spread the culture and love this country as much as it has loved me. This is what I believe the culture of Taiwan is and our club has reflected this for the past 19 years.
I know that whenever people ask I say that I am having a hard time, that I hate everyone and I hate this club. But in reality, those are only words said during times of rage or disappointment. I haven’t forgotten my original feelings, this club is still my number one priority. In the AGM I said I would take responsibility for whatever happens, and I’ll stick by it as long as I am still president. Last week I felt especially down, to cheer myself up I said to myself that in 2 years no one will remember anything about the committee, let alone me. But I’m wrong, I’ve always wanted to create something that in 20 years, people in my committee will still remember. “That one year was tough, we did a lot of hard work, but I had a really good time”.
For me, I will try my best. I know this won’t be the last time I feel upset about my position in the club, but I never want myself to forget my original intentions. I want to do the very best job that I can do so that the bittersweet memory of this club will linger forever.