17th October

I’ve spent all my money but I don’t feel good. It’s Friday night, that’s right, I’m out on a Friday night. I take a deep breath and remember where I am. I can hear a familiar song being sung. It’s a cover, it’s a cover of a song I know but it’s in Chinese so I don’t know the name. My body moves on it’s own, I can hear the melancholy in his voice. For the first time today, I listen.

I grab my wallet and dig out my change, I only have silver but I put the fistful into a tin can in front of him. He thanks me. I smile and walk away. I should have thanked you. They say there is no price you can pay for true company but with a few cents tonight and a familiar tune I feel less alone.

15th October

This past month has been so hard, I won’t lie, I’ve been hiding myself behind a massive wall of self-defeat and forging a fine line between myself and the people around me, making sure that they don’t cross the border. The thing is, many times a day I still feel that there is no real connection between myself and the people in my committee. And the more I think about these feelings the more I isolate and gravitate away from them.

This month, I started a new internship, making myself busier than ever before. In hindsight, picking up a second part time job as well as the internship may not have been such a good idea. Working 9-5 four times a week and 10-6 on the weekends leaves a full day of uni and club meetings on the remaining day was probably not the smartest choice, but I feel like even though I’m hanging by a thread, I’m still hanging. I haven’t fallen yet.

The truth is there are many people in my club that I cannot see eye to eye with, and I won’t lie, I wouldn’t call them friends outside the club, to be honest, I would probably hate them in real life. This really bothered me. It bothered me because I didn’t see why I had to work with people who always see things their way, who would cut me and other people off while we were talking or who generally just thought their opinions were the best. But I realised that the real world is like that, there are always going to people that you wish you could punch in the face and that you might really punch in the face one day. For now, I’m working on becoming a better person, the bigger person. 

Yesterday, I had a meeting with the executives in our club. It was tense and honestly really uncomfortable. We were talking about the club as a whole, what the association means to us and a lot of other things. Someone said that I didn’t need to care about the club, I just needed to get things done and that I should stop putting so much emotion in the things I do because personal feelings will get in the way. In rage I said fine, if that’s how things needed to be done then I would do them that way. But I couldn’t, and as soon as I said those words I took them back. I said that this association wasn’t about earning money, it wasn’t even about always being successful. This club was and still is about the culture of Taiwan. Taiwan is a small country and politically it has no power against China. I know a lot of people question my authenticity, “are you even Taiwanese?” I know my Chinese isn’t perfect and I cannot speak even a word of Taiwanese, but I have never thought of myself as anything else. I am and always will be Taiwanese, born and bred. No matter how many years I spend in Australia or where I was born, my heart is Taiwanese and I would do anything to spread the culture and love this country as much as it has loved me. This is what I believe the culture of Taiwan is and our club has reflected this for the past 19 years.

I know that whenever people ask I say that I am having a hard time, that I hate everyone and I hate this club. But in reality, those are only words said during times of rage or disappointment. I haven’t forgotten my original feelings, this club is still my number one priority. In the AGM I said I would take responsibility for whatever happens, and I’ll stick by it as long as I am still president. Last week I felt especially down, to cheer myself up I said to myself that in 2 years no one will remember anything about the committee, let alone me. But I’m wrong, I’ve always wanted to create something that in 20 years, people in my committee will still remember. “That one year was tough, we did a lot of hard work, but I had a really good time”.

For me, I will try my best. I know this won’t be the last time I feel upset about my position in the club, but I never want myself to forget my original intentions. I want to do the very best job that I can do so that the bittersweet memory of this club will linger forever. 

“I rarely suffer lengthy emotional distress from contact with other people. A person may anger or annoy me, but not for long. I can distinguish between myself and another as beings of two different realms. It’s a kind of talent (by which I do not mean to boast: it’s not an easy thing to do, so if you can do it, it is a kind of talent - a special power). When someone gets on my nerves, the first thing I do is to transfer the object of my unpleasant feelings to another domain, one having no connection with me. Then I tell myself, Fine, I’m feeling bad, but I’ve put the source of these feelings into another zone, away from here, where I can examine it and deal with it later in my own good time. In other words, I put a freeze on my emotions. Later, when I thaw them out to perform the examination, I do from time to time find my emotions still in a distressed state, but this is rare. The passage of time will usually extract the venom from most things and render them harmless. Then, sooner or later, I forget about them.”

Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.

6th October, 2014

It’s 5:37PM. We’re not in class. 
You pass me a juice and tell me to drink up.
I shake my head.
Not because I don’t drink juice
but because you’ve given it to me,
I don’t want to owe you anything.

It’s 5:08PM. We’re not in class.
You pass me an iced tea and tell me to drink up.
I shake my head.
Not because I don’t drink iced tea
but because you’ve given it to me,
I don’t want to owe you anything.

It’s 12:11AM. I’m wide awake.
I haven’t spoken to you in 10 months.
Not because I don’t want to
but because I didn’t want to owe you anything.

21st September

Hi, hi, hi, hello. It’s been nearly a year since we first met and things have changed. The weather has gone from summer to autumn to winter and to spring again. You’ve probably grown a little taller. But I haven’t. In a sense, I’m still me and you, you’re still you. See, I was once really afraid, because I heard that it’s easy to get caught up in the changes around us and forget who we are. And the more I tried to preserve things exactly how they were, the more I felt like they slipped away from me, one by one. You ask me what’s new, the truth is, everything is new. Whilst you were away, I aged a year, I cut my hair short and I grew a little more independent. I stopped thinking about a lot of things, but I have even more on my mind. Don’t worry, I’m doing fine, I learnt a lot while you were away. Leave things as they are, they will get better in time. 

16th September

Everything is black, everything is black.

7th September

When you’re young a summer holiday feels like eternity. Now the days, weeks and months past so quickly I can’t believe I’m half way through my degree already. I feel like I only just started. I don’t want to graduate yet. Time is precious and I’m kicking myself spending 30 hours at a job I hate. How do people even work 9-5 at jobs they don’t like? I’m trying to live a life where I don’t get everything handed to me with a silver spoon. I’m trying to take care of my own expenses. I’ve always wanted to grow up faster and to live faster than everybody else. The truth is I’m scared of being left behind. 

3rd September

I’m scared.

I have been president for something like a month, and today for the first time, I felt like I truly regretted that decision. I was not born to lead, I was not born to do anything that requires responsibility and mental endurance. Today I feel helpless and frankly, quite fucking sad.

Anyone in the same position as me may understand that the glory that comes with the sound of the position is nothing like the reality of the job.
The reality is that you can’t please everyone, the reality is that sometimes you just have to do the bad work, the reality is that sometimes no one will see the effort you put in. But that’s not even just the tip of the ice berg. Every day people call me “president” but I have never felt more small and insignificant in my life.

Right now I am debating between quitting or going into a deep sleep and waking up a year later. I’m probably overreacting, I hate myself for being weak, for letting small shit like this affect me but the truth is I am like the emotionally weakest person that I know. I don’t cry, but I dwell upon things for what feels like eternity.

There is a song called the truth about reality. It is one of my favourite songs. I think today I realised one of the truths about reality. The reality is that I’m here and it’s lonely. My friends think I have no time for them anymore, the truth is I have never been surrounded by so many people in my life, but felt more alone. 

24th August

"What is your ideal type?"
I hate dumb boys. I only like people with direction, who work hard and know what they’re doing. I would never be attracted to someone who shows off or is cocky. I like someone that has similar interests and can make me laugh, who takes care of themselves and the people around them. If they’re filial I don’t care if they’re not social or stay at home on Friday nights reading or some shit. Things like looks and money don’t matter to me, I know everyone says that but they really don’t. I want my SO to be my best friend but I don’t want to do everything together. I would never make someone wait for me or take them for granted. I’ll do everything by myself. I don’t like people paying for me or buying me things. I hate couple crap, I don’t like romantic things and anniversaries aren’t really my thing. Wow the more I type the more I think I should just be single.

The answer to “what is your ideal type?”

It’s me.

just wanted to stop by and tell you that you've become someone who I admire. you always try to look at things at a positive light and when you write posts of your achievements and/or how you've become a better person makes me want to try and achieve what i want in life (its going to take a while but hey we've all been there) i wish you continuous future success and hope you've been well

@Anonymous

Wow. Thank you.
That was one of the nicest things that someone has ever said to me. 
I hope great things happen to you too, and if I know you in real life, I hope you talk to me soon so I can buy you ice cream.

Bless your kind soul.

21st August

I landed a position I had thought I could never achieve, something I had spent countless hours day dreaming about. It isn’t much but through pure luck and some really amazing friends I have now a new home and a family of committee members. But treading the fine line between work and friendship is difficult and keeping everyone happy is nearly impossible. I find myself coming home later than the last bus every night, holding countless meetings and interacting with people I would have never had the chance to talk to. How do I keep everybody happy? How can I be stern without being mean? How do I maximise our profits and improve our performance? How do I continue the legacy whilst adding my own flair? Right now, I have lost my voice and I can’t speak, but my head is full of thoughts and I want to write this down. I made a promise and I’ll stand by everything I said. Life has never been so challenging but I am happy. I want to remember this moment now. 

7th August

Dear Friends,

This evening I saw my friend for the last time before they go back to Hong Kong forever. When we were saying our farewells she started crying. No one has ever cried whilst saying bye to me before. If I ever write a drama about my life this will definitely be one of the scenes. (I was thinking maybe to couple it with a sad ballad by Baek Ji Young.)

Anyway, today I learned 3 important things. One, there IS such thing as a bad dessert, two, I am ridiculously good at Big Two and three, genuine friendships are hard to find. When you’re a quarter through your life you’d think genuine friends would be easier to find or something. Well they’re not. At least for me. So I am glad for the few people in my life that are always supportive and honest with me. One of my friends once told me, you know you actually love someone when you’d take a bullet for them. That’s pretty extreme since I heard bullets hurt and may also cause life long physical damages but hell, I’d take a few for you guys. 

I don’t say it often and I know everything I say always comes out as sarcastic but you guys know how stupidly deep I go on here and this is one of those times. Thanks guys for always putting up with my shit, for listening to my rants and stupid thoughts, for maybe reading my Tumblr posts and not leaving me, for not judging my music tastes and celebrity crushes and lastly, also most importantly, for knowing how much I stalk people but not reporting me to the police and moving to another country.

Love you guys,

P. HENTAI

omfg I’m laughing so hard

My mum knocks on my door and is all whispering and is like “what do I do your sister is getting bullied” and I’m like what do you mean

and she shows me her Facebook newsfeed and one of my sister’s best friends commented on her wall “u ignore all my msgs u stupid bitch”

Makes me feel so bad if my mum knew what me and my friends call each other we would be arrested or something.

3rd August

I am so tired and angry with this world and I can’t even go to sleep because I have to do an assignment for someone which gets me to this point on why do I always feel like I am bending over backwards to help people? Awhile ago my friend and I were talking about how we always feel like we’re considerate and aware of people’s feelings around us but why can’t other people do the same? Sometimes it seems really unfair.

Customer service is really important in retail jobs but I feel like whenever I don’t speak Chinese to Chinese customers they’re okay but if they find out I can, I just end up being stepped on and they’re just super demanding and rude to me. This has happened so many times and it makes me so angry. I conversed with you in your native language to help you, to let you understand things better so shit is less foreign, but then you just end up demanding more things from me and treating me like how they do in Asia.

It’s like when you lend your friend a shoulder to cry on one time and they start to come to you every time they have problems. That’s okay but they only ever come to you when they want to vent, and have no consideration to your life or your feelings.

Why does it seem like every time I try to be kind to people, they just get used to it?

Okay this post is so stupid. Just like how I feel after writing it. Bye.

Scumbag unfollows me

@Anonymous

yeah sorry i don’t follow any of my friends anymore hahahahahahahahaha