I was already 18 when I first realised what a lonely person I was.
On a dark and gloomy afternoon I rode the train home from school alone, trees flying past me, listening to Nell on a battered mp3 player.
To this day I do not know what triggered these thoughts, I was not depressed, I was not suicidal, but for the first time in my life, listening to the annoying sounds of the teenagers telling unfunny jokes and the soothing sounds of Nell I realised perhaps for the first time, that I did not know what I was doing. Why I was in the world, what my purpose was, why I was born. A wave passed me and I felt incredibly sad.
You see, I have two theories, one is that we are born on this earth for a specific purpose and we must strive to fulfil it before or until we die. My second theory is that humans are not born on this earth for any purpose, and that we are born, everything in life is meaningless and then we die. As time passed I began leaning towards the second theory and began to question why we are educated otherwise. Why do we go to school? Why do we get jobs? Why do we get married? Doesn’t it all end anyway?
“I rarely suffer lengthy emotional distress from contact with other people. A person may anger or annoy me, but not for long. I can distinguish between myself and another as beings of two different realms. It’s a kind of talent (by which I do not mean to boast: it’s not an easy thing to do, so if you can do it, it is a kind of a talent - a special power). When someone gets on my nerves, the first thing I do is transfer the object of my unpleasant feelings to another domain, one having no connection with me. Then I tell myself, Fine, I’m feeling bad, but I’ve put the source of these fellings into another zone, away from here, where I can examine it and deal with it later in my own good time. In other words, I put a freeze on my emotions. Later, when I thaw them out to perform the examination, I do occasionally find my emotions in a distressed state, but that is rare. The passage of time will usuallly extract the venom from most things and render them harmless. Then sooner or later, I forget about them.”—The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, Haruki Murakami.
as if i was reborn as a child who doesn’t know anything i thought it was a dream so i closed my eyes and opened them again you were standing in front of my desperate self and praying i want to walk side by side with you at least once just once, just once
i ride the soft wind into your world i go right next to you and you ask where i came from you asked so innocently, so i answered that it’s a secret because if we just walk together like this wherever we go, it’ll be heaven wherever we go, it’ll be heaven
yeah you are more dazzling than michael who could ever oppose you? i won’t forgive anyone who does just like the first person to step on eden every day i will only go toward you and trust you with my heart
even if it’s a small thing so you won’t ever have to suffer i want to protect you always, i’m eternally in love as your guardian angel i will block out that strong wind even if everyone turns their back against you on hard days i will wipe away your tears if only i can be that kind of person wherever we go it’ll be heaven
i have come to love you now there’s no place for me to go back to my wings have been taken away, oh no even if i’ve lost eternal life, the reason why i’m happy is because my forever is now you
i ride the soft wind into your world i go right next to you and you ask where i came from you asked so innocently, so i answered that it’s a secret because if we just walk together like this wherever we go, it’ll be heaven
but I was leaving my friend’s house and it was pitch dark and my dad was there to pick me up so I ran to the car and on the way I slipped and fell down in the darkness and I fell like flat on the ground like a starfish and made a really loud noise.
I was so embarrassed and like hobbled my way to the car.
Me: … Dad did you see that? Dad: Yes, are you okay? Me: Yeah It didn’t hurt that much. Dad: HAHAHAAHAHAH why did you run if you knew you were going to fall? Me: … Dad: Seriously I can’t believe you just fell. Me: Me: Dad: Why did you run, you’re so stupid. HAHAHAHAHHA.
I hate it when you’re having the best dream of your life but then your stupid brain is like ‘hey wait this doesn’t seem real’ and you’re like ‘no no it’s real it’s real man just let me dream’ and then your brain is like ‘nah I don’t think this is real man, your actual life is shit, remember?’ and then your brain takes over and you wake up.
I don't know if you've realised yet but the colour on your blog is dark brown. I have a feeling you were looking for black, but if what you wanted was dark brown then that's cool too LOLOLOLOL ok love ya
I just want holidays to come so I can sleep at 5am and wake up in the afternoon and avoid all social interaction and read books and curl up in a ball and do nothing all day and pretend I’m a cat and yeah.
The relationship I’d want is one where we don’t see each other every day, or even every second day. They would be okay with not talking all the time like texting or calling or whatever but there would be complete trust and complete honesty. If one of us lost feelings, we would just say it and it would be okay for both of us.
Comfortable silences that do not have to be filled. We could have intellectual conversations about our dreams and goals.
Not doing couple stuff like going on dates all the time because I don’t really like that lol, public displays of affection…… also I do not like.
Mutual respect. I would be supportive but honest and expect the same from him.
We would both just be really chill people that don’t really get into arguments and stuff.
This is rude and completely irrelevant to anything but I really hate it when a natural disaster occurs in a country like an earth quake or a flood and all the kpop fans care about is ‘omg are (insert kpop group) okay?!’ or ‘they’re meant to perform tomorrow, are my opparz/unniezzzzz okay?!’ or they make a twitter trend like “#prayfor__________”
Like how about the people from the actual country.
I would wake up in the middle of the night and then I would hear either the microwave on or my dad making something on the stove, then he would leave the kitchen and walk past my room and I would yell out, ‘what are you eating?!’ and he would say, ‘ramen, do you want some?!’ then I would sprint out of bed in my pjs and my dad would let me eat some of his ramen.
After the GAT “exam” one of my best friends and I went to Starbucks. While we sat there and I randomly blurted, “let’s write down our goals for the rest of the year.”
So, with a paper and pencil in the middle of a crowded coffee shop I began to write the stupid goals we wanted to achieve before Uni. Some of them really were pretty stupid and mutual like “get a haircut” but others were more deep and personal, I guess.
I don’t have many friends, or at least many I could call close, but I hope I cherish the ones I do have, the ones that I can comfortably share my insignificant little dreams whilst sharing a large caramel iced chocolate, the ones that talk to me at 4AM on Skype before a Chemistry exam about our future ambitions.
“I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it’s just too much. The current’s too strong. They’ve got to let go, drift apart. That’s how it is with us. It’s a shame, Kath, because we’ve loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can’t stay together forever.”—Never Let Me Go, Kazuo Ishiguro.
I hate how you always act like the world owes you something, well listen up, I’m sorry to say, but it doesn’t. You have to stop blaming it when something goes wrong. You have to stop blaming other people when relationships don’t work out because look, people leave all the time, it’s sad and sometimes you wonder why it happens all the time but I have to tell you, it’s not always them. Have you ever thought that it might be you, too? Did you ever think you were the one pushing people away? No one is perfect, I know for sure, but you’ve got to look at things from another point of view, too. I’m tired of all this ‘everyone leaves me’ theory. There’s two sides to every story.
“Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.”—John Green, Looking For Alaska.